"......take these broken wings..."

     Everything's broken and i can't fix it. And it's all my fault. ALL my fault.  And i don't know what to do. And i don't know how to live like this.  It just hurts so bad.

Talk About "Wandering Aimlessly".....

    So, when son is in class, i like to spend part of the time fast walking in the halls. Anything to burn a calorie or two, yes?     However, this leads to many strange looks and not a shortage of comments such as "Are you looking for something?"  or "Are you lost?".   i know i should appreciate the concern (if it is real...always the skeptic), but sometimes i feel like if i get one more comment....sigh.  Okay, people, i already know how stupid i look...let it go, okay?

   "Look, here comes that Crazy Walking Lady again...where the Hell do you think she is going?"

   One the bright side, i think i am making friends with some of the custodial staff...they are about the nicest people there.

"Doctor, Doctor Give Me the News..."

    Ugh. i have a Doctor appointment on Tuesday.  My Internest is lovely, a real sweetheart, that isn't the problem.  i'm the problem. i've gotten sooo fat and disgusting, i am ashamed to be seen. By anyone, really, but e s p e c i a l l y  Him.   Problem is, He won't refill my scrips without seeimg me, which makes sense, seeing as He's been kind enough to do it since the Great Breakup of June...

  If i had ANY willpower, i would starve until Tuesday.  Willpower, ha, is that word even in my vocabulary?

          i disgust me.  i probably disgust anyone i come in contact with....

"Got the morning after blues, from my head down to my shoes..."

             i am such an idiot.  Such a stupid, horrible, evil, FAT idiot.   With no regard for anyone but my self.

   When will i ever learn?

Sunday, Sunday

     So, another Sunday in the household.  A pretty typical one so far...knock wood. Son sleeping in....in.....in...   Husband, after a cleaning frenzy, watching an old Foreign Legion film and me, well, me, just here.   Wondering what to do.  Wasting time with sooo much i could be doing.  Wondering why every morning i wake up feeling this nameless terror, this tightness in my chest like a fist around my heart. Why i want to cry, at least several times a day. Why the smallest thing hurts so much. Why there are so many things going wrong in life lately and i can't do much of anything about any of them. So damn helpless.

    Yep, i am full of "Why's" today.......not to mention whines.

            Gotta go, feel a cry coming on.....

First Post

   Well, here i am, with a blog of my own...and wordless.  Now that's something new.  Me, with nothing to say.  Maybe because this came about totally inplanned.  So much to say, so little courage.   When i used to think about starting a blog, i thought it would be honest, yes, even raw.  Now i am just scared.

         Hugs,
            Mali