So, yes, here i am in Utah, staying with me Mum for a while. She seems to be feeling pretty good, for which i am grateful, she is going to try the Pain Mangement Clinic before jumpimg right into surgery, i think that's a good idea.
i am glad i can be here for her, even if it is just to help out with little things (loading and unloading the dishwasher, going to the store, doing some cleaning,errands, etc), she seems to really appreciate it. Besides, i think she really likes having someone here to "hang out with " at times, just to chat and that kind of thing. So that's all good.
Something that truly baffles me is that several people really seem to want to get together with me and i just don't get it...honestly, i am being absolutely serious here. If i was me, i wouldn't want to do stuff with me. Go figure. i don't understand it, i just don't. i guess i should just be grateful, yes?
This morning i woke up crying, thinking about whay an absolute failure i am/have been, especially to Chris and Sam. Thinking how the best thing i have e v e r been to Sam is a bad example, a warning of what NOT to be. The crying spells lasted later into the day as i wondered why anyone would want to spend time with me. i anm not writing this for sympathy, it is what is in my heart.
On another subject, i eem to be able to comment on at least some of your blogs..."knock wood"....which is great.
Take care my loves....you are my life line.....
Oh, the song...from an great sad and finally a happy ending movie "Latter Days"...i adore the song
It's good to hear that you're out there helping your mum and that she feels the benefit of you being there and it sounds like you do too!
ReplyDeleteYou spend a day unnecessarily crying though Tracy, you can't be so hard on yourself. Your husband and son (I never knew you had a son until your comment today by the way), love you for who you are, you should stop feeling like a failure and crying because you're not a failure, believe me. I can't really talk because I'm prone to depression in that way too but sometimes I remember that this is mostly in my head, I'm not a failure, it's just that inner chatterbox that won't shut up telling me I'm one and it's wrong. I hope you feel better soon and have fun in Utah!
OMG Utah! Whenever I think of Utah all I can picture is the big green P'ellian ship hanging over an endless expanse of white salt flats. So envious of you right now, actually being in a place I only know of through science fiction!
ReplyDeleteWe are all our own worst judges. I'd love to have the chance to hang out with you and do things, or do nothing but sit in deck chairs in the sun and drink cold beverages and talk shit all afternoon.
You are a wonderful, caring person who deserves all the happiness she can handle, and then some more. You are a brilliant success, a wonderful Mum and the kind of friend every person should have. Your comments make me smile and sometimes cry, I have no idea how you can think such nice things of me. Don't listen to the sad voices, they're full of shit.
One day I'm going to come and say all this to your FACE and hug you until your eyes pop out.
Until then, all my love and a bazillion e-hugs
xoxoxoxo
Sorry you're feeling icky. :( I know that feeling--I think the exact same thing pretty much all the time whenever anyone wants to hang out with me, or even talk to me. Like "what the eff is wrong with them, why would anyone want to spend time with me EVER?!?" etc... I think it's just all in our heads. <3
ReplyDeletexoxoxo
people know how awesome you are so they want to spend time with you! :)
ReplyDeletesoz about the tears, but i hope you are feeling a bit better about things now. And I'm glad you're enjoying being with your mum and helping her out, i hope she gets better soon