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This blog isn't cute or funny or entertaining like all the other blogs i read . Hell, even my family avoids it, that should tell me something.If i could show you their "Life is all sunshine and rainbows" blogs....well. Never mind. i just have nothing to say.

  Thank you, all you lovely people who have taken the time to come here.   You deserve a medal or something. You are all the best of all humanity.

    i was not made to blog.

    Goodbye, my dears, tracy

Ya Know....

.....you have gained a ton of weight when, among the things your Mom ordered, for you comes a fancy Calorie Counter and Fitness Log and a less fancy set of sheets to fill out for the same reason.   i have no words. That i feel appropriate to write, that is! How about Sheeeeeeeeeet!


 So, life here in the Gateway to Nevada goes on ....today was kind of an off day for me ...stayed in bed until after 11:30am, while my dilegent Mom went to church at 10:00am....well, we all know who is the Sinner/Slacker in this house!

 Don't know what to write ....just so very dissapointed in myself...NO, that is wrong. So ASHAMED of my self...willpower, what the fvck is that, i seem to have buried that with any dreams i may have had. Dead and gone. i HATE the big FAT fatty i have become, however, i know if it ment that much to me, i would obviously DO something. i drink the etoth to forget about what a stupid, ugly Sh#t i am.....then eat, and here is the disgusting result.

  And to face another day of me is sickening.

Thank You Mich, For The Award...

i am honored to write about 7 of the things that make me happy...if i don't finish on thiss post...to be continued!


1. Chris, my hubby. Especially when he tells me about something ridiculious, hilarious or just plain absurd that happens to him as a teacher. And believe me, there are many! He is am amazing husband and storyterller. <3 Honey.

2. Sam, our son. he is delightful, funny and smart beyong belief. Now if we could just get him to emerge from his cave...kidding. i love when he makes witty and clever, intellent remarks to me. He sent me a wonderful, funny e-mail (i am at my Mom's ) that i treasure. Love you, my dear Son.

3. These adorable kids. i just want to take them all home with me. The song at 2:14 makes me want to cry as i has the great good fortune to see them perfom about 1 1/2 years ago and i fear i will not ever see them again. Anyhow, i love them! Umm, oops, video landed at the top, sorry, better early than never!

4. Losing weight. 'Nuff said.

5.  This video...Best ever! Get to it how ever you can!

6.  Another video i love this song so much...it reminds me so much of things lost, but i love it so much still...lister to the lyrics...and the movie so sad.

7.  Collie puppies!

    i'm not sure who to pass this on to...seems like almost all the people i know have had it give to them, but i will try....In the Pink, A Beer for the Shower, Chief (Shauna) Phillips, Diana Hobbs. ...oh, dear, i will try to think of more, my brain is frazzled!

       Love you!  PS  Awwww, they put the edited version of the "Rock Star" song up...booooo!

"Your Usual Chores, John Boy?"

   Feeling a bit better....thank you all for your kind and lovely comments, i really do appreciate all the thought that went in to each of them and you all mean so much to me. You are really wonderful people!

 Spent the day taking Mum on errands...she seems to be doing okay, but is starting to have bad knee pain again, hopefully the Pain Clinic can help, i hate to see her having such a bad time. Me, i am basically lazy, just doing some chores around the house   "Your usual chores, John Boy?" Not really much interesting to write about. Oh, dear, i am boring!

 Met up with my sweet cousin Lise and my really nice Aunt Dorothy on Saturday, that was so nice to see them, i hardly ever see my Aunt.  She runs a cat santurary...i admire her for what she does and finding her "life calling".  She also volunteers at a bird refuge. i want to find that kind of life...she seems to happy and satisfied.

    Welll, bye for now, loves....hope i have't already posted this video...oh well, it's funny enough for a second go 'round.....

Bad Day

  Heh. Maybe i will stay in bed all day tomorrow. At lest 'til my mom comes to see if i m alive or not...(who's betting on the not?)    i just HATE myself so badly so much. ANNNNNNND i know why...........................................................i am a loser of the worst kind.i cut my arm tonight. Nothing to jounal about,unfourtaetly............stupid.


 i amFAT beyong belief. Yet, still. People still want to se me and i want to hide under my dad's desk, honestly, that's how ashamed i am....FAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTT basket case. SHIT.

Gateway to Nevada

   So, yes, here i am in Utah, staying with me Mum for a while. She seems to be feeling pretty good, for which i am grateful, she is going to try the Pain Mangement Clinic before jumpimg right into surgery, i think that's a good idea.

   i am glad i can be here for her, even if it is just to help out with little things (loading and unloading the dishwasher, going to the store, doing some cleaning,errands, etc), she seems to really appreciate it. Besides, i think she really likes having someone here to "hang out with " at times, just to chat and that kind of thing. So that's all good.

  Something that truly baffles me is that several people really seem to want to get together with me and i just don't get it...honestly, i am being absolutely serious here. If i was me, i wouldn't want to do stuff with me. Go figure. i don't understand it, i just don't. i guess i should just be grateful, yes?

 This morning i woke up crying, thinking about whay an absolute failure i am/have been, especially to Chris and Sam. Thinking how the best thing i have  e v e r been to Sam is a bad example, a warning of what NOT to be. The crying spells lasted later into the day as i wondered why anyone would want to spend time with me. i anm not writing this for sympathy, it is what is in my heart.

   On another subject, i eem to be able to comment on at least some of your blogs..."knock wood"....which is great.

    Take care my loves....you are my life line.....

    Oh, the song...from an great sad and finally a happy ending movie "Latter Days"...i adore the song

Awwww, You All Are So Great!

     i wanted to apologize for my last, stupid and yes, drunken post and thank everyone who took the time to reply. i must remember the saying that "Friends don't let friends blog drunk".     Think i will follow through?  Time willl tell.

    In just over a week, i will be going to Utah to stay with my mom for a couple of months. Both computers out there have some sort of sh$#ty problem that prevents me from replying to your blogs, so i will try to reply here. Thus, if you don't hear from me, i am not ignoring you, honest.

   Other than that, i am pretty certian hub is angry with me, i probably picked a fight whilst drinking and said mean things, can we say "there is a problem here?".  i am such a worthless being, he deserves soooooo much better, i really, really feel sorry for him, being stuck with an idiot like me, i really do.   i will try to talk to him tonight...but i don't think it will do any good. Can't believe i am tellling you all this evil, dark side of me. i guess i needed confession. Too bad i'm a lapsed Catholic!

  Annnnnnd, i am FATTER than i have been in years....wanna know how fat?  Of course you don't.  Just know i disgust myself in more ways than one.  i love this song...it's my song!  At least these girls are PRETTY!

          Well, take care, Loves,
                     tracy

"Funny When People Hear your'e Dead, They Listen...."

   i have heard that song on the radio the last few times i have worked out  ........ if you can call it that, compared to what other people do........

    But i'll never die while i'..............................so i give you this...one of my favoritotes  (sp?)   As Alwayas...i can't spelll...and i am FAT HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


  Yeah i am depressed !  Is she falling to her death.........?      Or is she cowering under the covers......?

 like i?       i hear the rain outside....it would be lovely if it wound't  destroy house..   :(

   Edit   i fixed it a little.  Now i am embarrassed by this post, but will leave it up as punishment.....thanks for the sweet remarks....