Happy Christmas

   Thank you all, you have been so wonderful with your comments and support for this little blob.

   i hope you all have a wonderful holiday, whatever you may be celebrating!

       

           Merry Christmas from Virginia!

          xoxo,
             tracy

Well...Hey

    Hi Everyone...i so appreciate all of the comments. it makes me feel like there are people out there who really care and that means so much. Especially from those blog friends who get like, 100 replies (you know who you are!) and still take the time to come here, to this little blob...thank you, thank you!

   Well, here it is Christmas and i am feeling...blah. More than blah, been on kind of a downer for a few weeks...and no excuse, really.  So i feel bad complaining...okay, stopping now.

  Finally got the boxes sent to out-of-state Mom's.  i always leave to to the last minute, i am a great procrastinater (sp?), ask anyone of the few people who know me. It is a relief though and i feel like i can relax a bit.  And try to enjoy what's left of the Holidays. Hubby has 2 weeks off and i don't want to ruin it for him, so putting on a brave face.  Wish we weren't so broke...i want to get Sam lots of gifts....sigh.

  So, it's gone 12pm and i have yet to get a shower...ewwwww.

           Love you all and have a great week!

It's Like Somebody's Put Something In your Juice Boxes

    They Did.    But, anyhow.

   Hi again.   i just haven't felt like writing lately. A combination of sadness and laziness and....i don't know...comparing myself to all the other great blogs out there and knowing i'll always be just me with nothing witty or interesting to say and only videos to put up...no, that's not ment for anyone to console me, it's just the truth.

   So, i know it's practically Christmas, but how was you all's Thanksgiving?  Ours was....interesting.  Too short of a trip out West...and everyone, i mean, everyone there was RICH...we were like the "Poor Relations" from out of State. Seriously.  But, no jealuosly here. No. None at all. Zero. (Yeah, right.)  My Mom, although she worked her self WAY too hard, told me in an e-mail that it was one of her favorite Thanksgiving's ever...so really that's what counts. And it was great to see my Sis and BIL, as well as my absolutely adorable and oh, so fun Cousin's Son's,(not sure what they are called)  they are alot of fun, even if i am 20 years older than them...OLD!!!!! One is married to this stunningly beautiful Korean girl and the other had a gorgeous date...they both looked like "Top Models"!   We (Chris and i) also got to visit my Aunt and Uncle and their 7 month old Westie,"Duncan", fun to play with a frisky pup instead of two very expensive dogs that just lay around and eat....God bless them!

  Shrink today...and the report of various failures....AGAIN!  Sometimes i wonder if i'm" testing" him, to see what he will do with the rebellious, "teenager" me.  Shall bring that up today, he probably thought of it weeks ago. Dammit.

        Bye, Dahlings

  Edit....first video.  i just l o v e them....and isn't the lead singer beautiful???

          Thanks, Matthew!

Happy Thanksgiving!

   Must go do things, must go do things.....!

            Love to All!

The Day Before Takeoff....

   So, here i sit, playing on the computer when tomorrow we jet of to the gala Thanksgiving Weekend...gah, i haven't even taken a shower yet...eewwwwww.

  Thank you everyone who replied to my last post. i know it wasn't an easy topic to talk about. The Psych, although you could tell he was a bit dissapointed, was nice enough about things., all in all and i have some time to work on things, as i don't see him until December...now, use that time wisely, t!

      Have to put this adorable video up, before Fox decides to remove it, as we KNOW they will!  It's sooo cozy and i LOVE  "Klaine".

      Better go get something done....much as i'd rather crawl back in to bed!

                    Loves to All!

"There's Something You're Not Telling Me......."

     Gah.  In just over an hour i have to leave to go to the Psych and confess that i really screwed up this past week, concerning the things i was supposed to be improving upon.  And, yes, i am scared. because i have been kicked out on one memorable occasion.  And threatened with no therapy for "misbehaving" from another PsychMD....So....um, yes, i do have trust "issues".  This is only the third time i have seen this particular shrink.And no, i don't want to "lose" him.  Spoken like a true BPD.   My only saving grace is that last time he did mention that he "....can't tell me what to do."     Or something like that.

              i hate being a FAILURE!!!!!!!!!!!

The Dream

     Hello Everyone and thank you sooooo much for your comments...i love hearing from you!

      Just a quick note for anyone who happens to go to the page explaining "Black Sabbath".....there is a video up called "What Does Aliyah Look Like?"    Thay is my "fantasy" visit to Israel....no tours, no tour guides...just being able to somehow find a few friendly Israeli's to show me around.....dream on.....!

.....and just like they say, nothing good ever lasts....."

     Since blogger keeps eating the rest of my post, i will try again.


        Paryt of One tonight. (Hubs has to work).  Well, it only happens once a year....once in a lifetime this year.

               Love you!

You Like a Good Sweat, Dr. Fleishman?

    Well, Hi.

           Looks like the "Ford, Ririe, Barnett Thanksgiving Weekend Houseparty Trainwreck" is right on schedule. Chris is, as you can imagine, is especially excited...ha!     We have already figured an especially devious way to get the potant potables in to the house...survival, we call it...if only our plan works. i wish i could say i could give you moment by moment updates of this holiday fun, however, we shall be at the house where all of the computers are haunted by some mysterious Spirit...and not a happy one. So sad.

         Annnnnd, Sam wants to go shopping on "Black Sabbath".    Explanation here.

        http://www.benjilovitt.com/2009/03/.i-guess-they-werent-Shomer-Shabbas/  

Now For A Funny.......

Warning. Kind of a Creepy Dream.....

    i had the weirdest dream last night....creepy, really. i dreamed that my Dad, (the Dad who died last Summer) was in the hospital and he was all skinny and sick, just like he was before he died, however, i was doing CPR on him and there was a doctor there telling me to do it. (Which is ridiculous because of course he had a DNR).  It was so awful....his body kept flopping around, his head was all twisty.....Then.....his body was IN THE BED with me!   Gah! i think i might have even yelped out loud a bit at that point.     

  So, i wonder what the meaning of all this is....is Dad coming back to" haunt" me because i don't "Believe"...........enough?   Or because i don't believe the "right" thing, according to the majority of my family?
Or, is it just "that time of year"?   Who knows, but i had to tell someone and you are the lucky ones...yay, right?   Mich, we need artwork....Kidding!

  Anyway, the rest of life is just....going along, i guess. Husband says the meds are seeming to help with his depression a bit, i sooooo hope it continues.  Now, though we found out that his blood is basically Egg Nog....sigh. Off to get another 'scrip.  When he found out, he went and got in his flannel jammies and robe...he is great at the symbolism. Annnnnnd, i am soooo FAT!!!!!

     Oh, oh, new followers and commenters....Thank you, thank you!      You are so sweet!!!

Just Down

   Thanks everybody for your suggestion concerning husband. He is taking the medication and i hope after a bit it will at least take the edge off of everything he is going through.

   i just feel so sad.  i wish i could write a great and amusing and funny blog, like Mich or Hasidic Plumber or so many others too numerous to mention.....i just tend to sit and whine and who wants to read that dribble? i feel like crying right now. This morning i stayed in bed as long as possible, cowering from the world that to be honest, a great deal of the time i want no part of....just in another "Life Sucks" time, i suppose. It's past noon and i have yet to take a shower...eeeewwww.

  i used to LOVE Halloween, i mean, really love it. i would have all our outdoor decorations done by the first or second....not this year...i'll be lucky to get them done at all.

          'K, 'nuff of this self-imposed whine.

                          Love you All!

More "Paris".......Because "It" Seems So Popular!

    Thank you, lovely commenters for you thoughts!

    It's kind of funny that a clip about "Paris" from a favorite tv show would turn in to a convo about the "City of Lights" (is that correct?).  My husband would love it because he loves ANYTHING French...and well, hates "Gilmore Girls".   Geddit?

  So another quite day here....husband has to work again tonight....boo.  He has only been on his meds a couple of days, but i hope, hope, hope it at least take some of the edge off his depression, breaks my heart to see him this way...any guys out there with suggestions on how to help?

         Sorry this was such a downer.

               Love ya's.
          

"I Hate the Rich...A Hard Rain's Gonna Fall..."

   I   l o v e  "Paris"!    Well, not much to report here.  Actually, i wanted to write alot, however, hub just arrived home...and...Well, the level of Clinical depression in this house is just...sad. (Ha!).

   Hey, new followers..yay!  Thank you sooooo much, i will name you in person when i have more time.  Must do this earlier in the day, obvs.  Had a very bizzare dream the other night....good for a blog?  Maybe you all can analyze me...what fun.

         Sorry to rush,
                Loves to All,
                       tracy

This Might Work....

....to get to that sweet video i wanted to post.  Rob, i hope this is okay with you!

http://scrumcentral.blogspot.com/2011/09/awwwwww.html

Because i Love it, That's Why.....and New Weight Loss Regime!

       Oh, hey, Hi All!     Yep, it's been a while and guess what?  i think i have officially joined the "Can't Sleep Club".  Yay.   Thank you Doktor who knows nothing about me and put me on this wonderful new pill. T h a t ' s   right,  i've had me another vacay in you-know-where.  i must say, this was the suckiest place i have ever been (okay, it's 'cause they ran out of Diet Drinks.....and anyone who knows me.....knows that is what i live on during the day.)     A fellow inmate put it this way "We babies need out meals and our snacks and our medicine and our naps".     Ha, ha..............as "Ellen" would say, "Anyway.....".  Hey, i did manage to drop a few, so that's cool....now to make it continue!

  So in the tradition of my amazing and wonderful blog (pffffffffffffffft), a truly lovely video.   Okay, so, as usual, i can't find the video i wanted, so here is another one i love!  Truly, deeply love!

Privacy Yep, It' A "Poor Me" Post

  It seems like many blogs are going private these days.  "Tales From the Serenity Hospital", which i really enjoyed, went private long ago.  Needless to say, i really miss it.     Another blog i really liked, a Medical Student, now in her second year, went private some time ago. i (foolishly asked for an invite on another blog, now i am glad i didn't get one.)   i would just be totally envious of her life...the perfect life of the perfect medical student. Besides, who wants to be in a club where no one wants you, right?

  If you, whoever you are, haven't already figured it out, i am on a REAL downer at the moment.  A "Life Sucks" kind of few days....weeks.....?  What a whiney one i am.

        And, yes, you guessed it.....i don't take rejection easily.   Got the latest stiches to show for it.  TMI.Not related to blogs, but to life in general.

   Rest In Peace, Dear Brittany Murphy.

  "i wake up in the morning and i wonder, why everything's the same as it was....."

   Annnnnd, i just keep getting FATTER and fatter and wish i could just hibernate and pop laxitives...but apparently that's not in the cards and mom has a full social calendar planned. Sh#t.

  PS  Me again.   Now, one of my favorite blogs has gone private. One i have followed for years. One i thought was a friend. i am probably over reacting, but that is just me, the way i am.

      Thanks, all, for your sweet comments. i don't feel so alone anymore.

   And, somehow, i don't want to ask for an invite to her blog because that is sooooo whiney and pathetic, jut like my DX.  By the way Maigre, i know i would like you tons, no mattter what.  Wow. You sound like me, sweetie!

What's Going On Here?

   i just don't understand it. Each day, each hour...seems to last so long?  What is wrong with me?  Shouldn't i be grateful for every moment i have? i should............be, i suppose.

   Yes, there is definately something wrong with me.

       Love to all

New Post Because I Love Her Work...

i am really sorry for the last copule of stupid posts, for whoever read them...and thank you dear Maigre for your lovely, sweet comment. i so appreciate it, it means alot. Wish i could have kept it here.

Didn't want to contaminate Jodi Picoult's wonderful book and song with my horrible ramblings..........

PS Sam, if you ever read this blog, i am so sorry for the horrible things i said. i love you soooooooo much!!!!!!!

Oh, Hai

Peri   Oh, my Dear Peri i so wish there were something i could do to help you feel better.. as you already know, i know how bad the pain can get...i don't mean to try to know how you feel, i would never try to do that, i just wish i could do something, anything, to help you feel a tiny bit better. i hate to see a dear friend hurting so.
   i loved the "Life of Brian " clip...thank you for cheering me up, my sweet.

Mich   Your blog, what can i say, was amazing, i  so understand your place in the "hierarchy" of it all. The "Mum thing"...so me!....And at almost 50, how sad is that!  Where does it end.....? i am on the same level as you!

Sara  Thank you so much for commnting. Yes, i have ridden, for years, although it had been almost E i g h t   years since last Monday, since i had ridden. It rocked to be "back in the saddle again." If only i could continue!

Clip, Clop...

   i actually got to go riding today!!! What a joy!   Shout out to Mr. Steve Williams, a dear friend of my Dad's, for letting this happen. You, Sir, are a Jewel. If my Riding Buddy wasn't right there with me, i know he was watchIng and enjoying the ride. And Pam, Uncle Elden and the "Natural Rider", Olivia, thank you so very much!


Mich  My beautiful, tiny Mermaid, loved your stories and pictures from the shore...you are just adorable and oh, so pretty! i loved the blue hair! i am so sorry the last couple of days were rough, i am certian you have "recovered" now and are back to being the tiny Faeire we all know you to be. Thank you so much for the  sweet comment you left on the blog...you mean the Universe to me! How are things with the "boy"?

  Marigre  i am really sorry about Physics...would it make you feel any better that i am in awe of anyone who even understands that "stuff"? Probably not...Bravo for the shopping trip!   Another area in which you have so much more courage than i. Please try not to go "missing", okay? Ha, easy for me to say!

   xoxo to All

....like i ain't got nothing but this roll of the dice."

   So. Yeah. Hi Everybody.

   i "decided" to take a litle "vacay".  In   the   "Looney Bin".  Yep, t h a t 's   right.  Only i could land myself there rather than say....the beaches of Maui or something.


  So, something in me finally cracked, i guess, amidst all the pressure of being told how wonderful i am for being here and how much i'm helping my Mom and aren't i great...not.  (i think maybe one of the final straws was the Bishop of Mom's ward saying to her, about me "i love that girl, i want to see her out to church.")  Now, he is a wonderful man and has done so much for Dad and Mom, but i am not here to be his or anyone else's project...and i know i am reading WAY too much in to what people say and i sound mean and horrible, but that's just how it feels inside.......

Anyhow, a few nights ago, i guess i decided to "show" everyone what a horrible person i am and that's right, look out, you don't want a n y t h i n g  to do with me, so i went waaaaay overboard with the ETOH and cut up my arm.   Reward?   Stiches and a ticket to Psychoville.

 Well, the one good thing that happened was i met alot of really sweet, funny, wonderful people while i was there...it has always been that way.....

         'Kay, so long story short.

          Hope you lovelies are all well.  Please take care, loves you!

   PS  Mich  Your blog and pictures are hilarious...thank you so very much for cheering me up!   Maigre   i am so very sorry things are so bad. Please snail mail or e-mail as soon as you want...i would love to hear from you.  That goes for any other interested snailers!

Thanks .....

   Last post so whiney. Sorry 'bout that. Thank you for the kind comments, Maigre and Mich.

Shout Out To Some Friends

  Oh, Peri, your last post was filled with such sadness and desperation. i am so very sorry you are hurting so. i wish so much there were something , anything i could do to help you know what a cherished and wonderful person you are. i would swoop over to your place and hug you and tell you in person if i could.  Please know how much you are loved.

 Diana  Thank you so much for your sweet e-mail. Wow, you answered fast!  It usually takes me days to weeks...ask anyone!  Once again, your tribute to Dad was just beautiful and i am glad to have this chance to thank you publicly!  Miss your darling family, hugs to Jason and little Blake, big one for yourself as well!

Mich  Yay for the news about your Uncle!  To borrow a term from you...Squee!!!  What on earth were those (So called) Doctors thinking?   "Is this a piece of your brain?"  Kudos for the "Fawlty Towers" reference!
I loved the piano piece your nephew played...just beautiful...now i need to see the movie, it sounds amazing.   So, 1/2 hour on the treadmill doesn't count?  Uh, oh...time for me to "kick it up"...way more than a notch!  What can i say, i am a lazy a#$!   Loved the "HMS Mich"...i am sorry about the sinking ship, though.  Am there, doing that...UGH!!!!   i hope things get better, talk about ingrained thoughts and follow through, yes?   Sending love.

     Hello to all of you, my Buds....love you!

          

"Here's To Babies..."

    i miss my little Corby and Blake...i miss all my friend-relatives.  Just wanted them to know that.  Thank you my dear Blogger Friends for being there for me.

   Annnnd now, because it's a great and funny scene that reminded me of babies...... Ha, it's in the wrong place, naturally.


    Mich   i am so sorry about your Uncle, having just "been there" myself, i know what it's like.....it's so hard to be far away from extended family, that's how it is when i'm back in Virginia.   Wish i could do something to help.....

      Love All of you...and again, wish i could post to you!

  PS   Magire  My sweet  You are 5'6'' tall and 115.7 lbs?????   You, my dear are tiny!  i am so sorry you can't see it for yourself!  Hugs!

Now,It's Just Me And Mum....and the Ghosts......

  Put Hub and Son on a plane back home today...Niece Diana and family have been gone, it seems like....forever.....left the Ririe Clan in St. George...Don't know when the Phillips will come a'callin' (hint , hint!). Just me and Mum and a house full of ghosts.

Oh, Mich.....Why do we do it?   These days, it's starve all day, then BINGE, no wonder i'm FAT....guees it could be worse, i could eat in the day as well. i wouldn't know "normal eating" if it came up to me and bit me in the ass. i too am a hamster on a wheel...if only for the exercise...finally got on the 'mill for a total of 32 min today..., Geeze, t, don't knock yourslf out, LOSER!!!!!!!!  i LOVE you and your drawings!  And, you ARE a Saint!  If you got bruised from canoeing....you are THINNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!

    Will post later......Sometime when..................

Hello, Dear Friends.....

Mich, No, No, It's me in the video! Argh, all the funeral food! i think i have gained 5 pounds!  GAH!  So, how are the Aunties doing? Needless to say, i loved the Apocolypic Pic of them and the ponies-glorious!  Cannnot imagine a house like that, even living in my folks "mansion" (compared to our humble abode).And, no, it's tracy (NINE years to get a Bachelors degree)=Major Life Failure! Anyhow, i hope you are doing well and send my love and a package soon!

Peri  Naughty kitty!   i hope the new meds are working out! Glad they are finally taking you seriously! Dumb $&^^$^^#%%#!   About time! i completely understand about the self harm, too well...please try to stay safe...said the pot to the kettle....Miles loves you! No, he cannot do better than you!  Never, my dear one! School sounds like it sucks royally....!  xoxo

Maige   No way are you ever "cold hearted".....Look how wonderful you are to me! So very sorry about how you Dad is treating you..it can hurt so much...i know...ugh...i have gained a bunch of weight on this "funeral food"  yuckies!   Loves to you!

   Have to sign off for now....more later, i love you all

...but, Who is this Guy?

    Thank you ever so much, Peri, Mich, In the Pink , Maige and Demented Wench for your oh so lovely and sweet comments. You all in the blogger world are my only "real friends" outside of family and i can't say thank you enough  for helping me through these past 6 weeks .   i adore and appreciate your thoughts so very much!


  The family, mostly my Mom, wrote out a lovely obituiary notice that was to run in Sunday's paper...imagine our surprise when....a different man's photo was posted!  i mean, he looked like a nice man...but it sure wasn't Dad!

  If you all could only have been here for the past week...my Nephew's Mission Farewell talk in church and Niece's Baby blessing (Blake-a doll baby), Dad's passing, the viewing last night and again this morning....the funeral (which went lovely, bye the way, my dear hubby even read a story he had created about my Mom and Dad-"Bellle Mere and Bon Pere")...my sweet son was a Pallbearer and even socialized amazingly. i was so proud of both of my "boys".

      i will write more about the funny things that have been happening, with a "houseful"...please be assured, i AM reading your blogs and so wish i could comment...perhaps here?   It's a thought.


         Loves to All of You, My Sweets,
                     tracy

Goodbye Dad, i Love You

       My Dad died early this morning, on his own terms, alone-i think to spare us, his family from being there with him.

      Dad, i love you with all my heart, i know you are at peace and no longer in pain and humiliation. i am so happy i had the past few weeks here with you, to enjoy the humour you kept almost to the end, to hold your hand and kiss you on the cheek and head, to help care for you. Thank you, Dad, for being there for me, always.

    Mom, i love you so...whatever i can do to help you through this very, very difficult time, i will be there.


    And thank you, my dear friends, for being there for me.

              Much Love,
                  tracy

What, Huh?.......

So, part of my family is here back in Salt Lake City aad i am soooo happy they are here, yet, i mentionned the "It Gets Better " project and i might as well have been from been from...ahh, Mars or someplace. Am i that out of place..or what? i guess so. Rather than get upset. i count it as their loss.

And by the way, i bought one of their t-shirts today...if only it would come before they leave! :)

Ha, ha, Mom Called me the "S" word the Other Day...And i Miss You All Sooooo Much!

So....Mom called me "slender" yesterday...isn't that just another word for FAT? At least, in "my" book. Don't wanna be "slender". Wanna be THIN. So, anyway.....

Life here goes on...at least for now. It's so sad to see Dad like this...makes me want to cry...yep, i sometimes do. (Was the begining of this sentence super crass? Probably.)

Lots of family coming here next week. i am soooo looking forward to it. Yay!

Still trying to find a way to comment on your blogs. Stupid computers here. When big Sis is here, i can use hers, she said and maybe i can say a quick Hello.

Thank you all so much for your lovely comments. You bring tears of joy to me!

Loves!

i'm so sorry

About the last blog. i feel like i really hurt many people that have been so nice and accepting of me. At the moment i wrote it, i was feeling so alone and since the computers here won't let me post on most of my friends blogs, i took it out on many wonderful people...

i apologize.

As a dear firend Sara, who e-mailed me, as she can't get in to comment, "....take kindness where you can get it...". i may not have the quote exactly right, but you get the idea. So very true.

Thank you Sara and and you lovely commenters, for teaching me a very valuable lesson.

i'm, so all alone...and apparantly, no one can post on the blog....

i am an half-caste....everyone in the Mormon Church is being so nice to me....but they don't know the real me...at the same time, they don't know how much it hurts when someone asks me "When will your son be going on a mission"? A what? Obviously these well meaning prople don't know these "Apostates" very well.

i cried more today that since i got here. i want to talk to Pastor Todd. Maybe He would understand.

"You can talk to God and listen to the casual reply...."

  Well, as per usual. i am at a loss for words. Yet i want desperatly to write.....

  Getting Dad up in the morning and putting him to bed at night...what a "role reversal"..and at the same time...what a privelidge,to do what he did for me, for so many years...it is really hard to write about it...i just don't have the abiliy that you all do, to put it all down in to coherent sentences.

  Sorry, i just don't know how to explain it all.........

  Just...thank you for being there..i love you all.

  PS  Both the stupid computers here won't let me comment on your blogs  GAH!!!!!!  i am look for a solution!  i am soooooo sorry!
     Loves to you all!

"Where were you when we were getting high?"

  Heh, i love that line from a song which the title of i cannot remember. Any takers?  (That first sentence makes no sense whatsoever!)

    Dad having okay times and not so good ones. i am so glad to be right where i should be and want to be.

    Big Sis, her husband and 19 year old son are here for a few days. it is so good to have more people in the house, i will miss them alot when they go in a few days.  Rarely see "The Kid". i do believe he spends most of his time on video line (okay, i have no clue what it's called!) with The Girl,who lives in Las Vegas,  chatting and studying Scripture...it is almost too cute. :s  Last Sunday we had a houseful for supper. It was delishiously fun. Along with Sis's fam, her oldest daughter, her husband and almost one year old adorable baby were here. The baby ("Corb") is a riot, known as the "entertainment" for the evening. i had to be very careful, as i am not used to having a little one "underfoot".  He is quite the explorer and even managed to undo the hinge on one of the cupboards. (Quite the muscleman you have there, Shauna!) It was pretty hilarious.

   Yes, throughout all this i have managed to obsess over food and weight...were you expecting any less?  (Wish i could BE less!  Yar, yar.)

           Hope you are all well and having the happies,
                    the t-girl

And Make me One of Them...Another Diversion

  i think Israeli's must be the most beautiful people on earth.

Because...He Is Truly A Hero

  Thank you all for the lovely comments you left me on the last post. You truly touched my heart and it ment so much. Loves.

   Here is a message from another hero of mine.

      Thanks for watching. It is a cause close to my heart.

            xoxo,
              tracy

Saturday, Afternoon

   There are times during the day i find myself "wandering" through the silent house, at a loss for something to do. The dishwasher is still running, no clothes to fold...nothing really to clean at the moment. Dad is asleep, Mom on errands.

  i tell myself i can do this. i tell myself to be brave. Stop being such an emotional mess. You are needed. "Get a backbone" my Mom-in-Law told me before i left Virginia.  i think she was taking about something else, but still...

 Then there are the other  times. When i take hold of my Dad's upper arm to help him stand up and feel how skinny he has become. When i help Mom get him to bed and see how small he is...when Mom cries in my arms...when we cry together. 

             i love you, Dad.

Protect You, Protect Me

i just wish i could keep everybody from harm. Sad how that just isn't possible.

So Damn Hard...

Hey, Hi from Utah....Wish i had good news....

Daddy is getting weaker day by day..it is so sad...Mom is trying to be strong....but, well, you can imagine how it is for her.....and i, well, i feel so useless...as usual. What can i do, but to try to comfort and to be there for both Mom and Dad...? i just don't know.....what else is new......?

i am so sorry to be such a downer...i miss your blogs and will return soon!

Thank you all for being there !

lOVES!

There Is No End To My Dumb

   So....first faux pax of the trip...well,first major one anyhow....

  Bit of a background...my nephew, Jared, is having his Mormon mission farwell here in my parents ward (a ward, is about 400 people, families, single folks), in June.  He will speak, along with  High council member (an Upper Member of the Church's Leadership).  The Bishop (Leader of a ward) of my folk's ward stopped by to say Hello to Dad and Mom, see how Dad wad doing and mentioned maybe Dad may want to say a few words at said farewell....

 Forward to today. i was doing some errands with Dad. Driving. Said to him, with all due respect, that i really liked his Bishop, that he is super nice, however, i was kind of upset that he would think to ask Dad to speak at the farewell...wouldn't that be Jared's dad's place? Oh, my...was i wrong!!!!!  Dad replied that it was an honor to be asked...an honor!   Will someone PLEASE tell me when i will stop being such a stupido???   Pretty, pretty, please????  Apologies, profuse apologies followed to Dad, but the damage was already, terribly done. SIGH.   Yep, i am being a super big help here. Someone, call for reinforcements, i am certianly failing. In a huge way.

   (plus, is it super creepy that i have a teeny bit of a crush on their Bishop....annnnd, he gets to got to Israel...?)

         Welll, better go...before i do anymore damage,

                 Loves,

                     tracy


     

   

Richmond to Salt Lake...that was fast!

     So, by the miracle of computers, Sam finished classes early and i am off to Salt Lake a full two weeks before i thought i would be...i am really glad i will have this time with my Dad and Mom...but to be honest, i am scared. i know, i am super selfish thinking this way, but...it is the truth.....Mom must really want me out there badly, as the ticket was...k'ching!  Maybe once i get there, things will settle down to a routine....Ugh, i am HORRIBLE!!!!!  None of this is coming out right!!!

   i believe Hubby is happy to be rid of me for a while...as soon as he found out Sam was done with class, he was on the phone to Mom, saying "When do you want her"?  He says i am not happy here anyway (not true!), so it is just as well i go away. Sob.....

  i'm an Half-Caste....at home no where...belonging no where....then there's the Church thing...don't even want to think about that, let alone write about it.......

                                          (No, this song is NOT about hubby or son ...i think it's about...me.)

             Love to you All,
                      tracy

The Wheels on the Bus

    So, a few of days ago, i not so nicely (that means, meanly) said to hubby that maybe he should take Sam to school on Monday morning.....        (Hubby is on Spring Break)....so Monday morning i got up to take Sam and Chris said, "Oh, I am taking him, you made that v e r y clear".  i felt soooo bad...yes, so i did something to me.  Anyhow, this morning, i got up and ready, with the full intention of taking Sam to class and again, Chris said he will be taking him....sigh.  Guess who needs to keep her stupid, huge mouth SHUT???   i guess this is hubby's way of making me "eat crow"...is that the saying i am looking for...?    i dunno. All i know is i feel awful about this situation that i so "cleverly" created. i am such a dumb *$s.

      i wish i could write here the things i am so upset about, the things that worry me so much lately...besides the obvious (weight, money.......).  Like how my dad is literally wasting away and i feel so bad and helpless and how can i help him and my mom and i live in this constant state of fear.....that kind of thing. Oh, i guess i kind of just did.  Sorry.

       Downer of a post.      Hope you all are doing well.       Love you.

".....I'm Nothing.......I'm Nowhere...."

      Traces of vomit still in my hair. (Should have tied it back, Stupid!). Fat, oh so fat.  And scared, always this terrible, grip of panic inside. And the guilt, oh the guilt.  i can't go on living this way. i won't.  Something has to change. Every day ..."I fake, a laugh, a smile.."    And so...another day.

                                                                                                         * Titile from one of my very favorite movies.

i Know It's Thursday, However, It's "Tuesday, 3:00 Am"

     Lovely song from a sweet movie.

         

       Today hasn't started out very well. Found out i was overdrawn at the bank...shock and a tearfest....Crap!

               Gotta go try and fix things....again and again...always trying to fix things and never suceeding.....

                            Love to you all.......

      

i Dunno...Just Cause...and Stinky Toe! Video warning...PG-13~! :)

    Hee, he was the best character on the show.  Funny, cute.

         Get to take Sam in to the Dr. today.  Yesterday he casually mentions..."I think there might be something wrong with my toe. He shows it to me. Oh, yeah...all red and infected!  Ouch! ( Tried and tried to find a funny vid to go anong with that...no luck!)  Sam actually doen't mind Medical procedures...is there an MD in his furure?

     Well, i spent too much time looking....time to go....
                Loves!

      

         

...Oh, Hi

    Haven't felt like posting lately, not sure why. i guess because i think whatever i write will just sound negative and down and i don't want that.  Things here are rather status quo.   Sam has been sick with a bad cold and has missed classes for the past week and a half. He has been doing homework, though, so i'm pretty sure he will be returning on Monday...i hope!

   Hubby is tired, as per usual, that's what happens when one works two jobs and doesn't sleep well. i feel so sad for him.  He did however get his Praxis Test results back...188 out of 200...my smart man!  :)  A note at the bottom mentioned he was going to be the recipient of a "Major Award"...we were hoping for a "Leg Lamp" we could proudly display in the front window, however, it turned out to be merely a certifcate..."suitable for framing".   DARN!   i wanted that "fra-gee-lay" ("It must be Italian")  Lamp...

  Decided not to mention anything about weight unless it's good news.  Leave it to  "12 Stepper" to drag me back to reality. Sigh.

              Love you All!

It's So Amazing

         Just Beautiful.

Something A Bit Less Dramatic...'Cause You Are All So Sweet

    Thanks for all your lovely comments.      i <3 You!

           This was a great show!  i love "Abdul"   "It's over the counter...you know...from Iran".
  "Iran's cool".       

               xoxoxo,
                  tracy

FAT, FAT, FAT!!!!!!!!!

   i have officially GAINED almost 3 pounds sinced i posted my super fat weight. i am gross and disgusting. i look 12 months pregnant. i hate me.

        Well, at least you have been spared any more of my stupid stories and videos...for now.

       Bring on the 'axies.

Some More Stuff...Are You Bored With Me Yet?

   4.   i am fasinated with Judahism and Israel.  i think this started in grade school. i read the "All of a Kind Family" series of books by Sidney Taylor, they are just lovely. They tell the story of a family, 5 daughters and a little brother and thier parents, living in New York City just before and during WWl.  i loved these books. Not only were they tales of the children growing up and their adventures, but much was included about Jewish Holidays, Holy Days , the Sabbath and Jewish life in general.  i loved the way the author incorperated some Herbew along with English translation in to some of the Prayers and recitations for different occasions. It was beautiful. Then i "graduated" to different authors such as Chaim Potok, Namoi Ragen, Philip Roth, etc, always learning more, always so intrigued. i have attended services several times and really liked it. i have heard a Rabbi speak on two occasions as well as Chaim Potok, so interesting. My dream is to visit Israel and find a Native Born Israeli (a "Sabra") to show me around. Or someone (Hi Sara!) who has lived there a long time.

    Last summer, in Utah of all places, i had the great good fortune to see an adorable group of young Israeli's perfom music and dance. i was in Heaven. They were adorable. They are called "Tzofim".  Their group was touring the United States. i will alwasy treasure that evening.  Aren't they cute? :)
     Doug Cotler...Love him always. A lovely video, but his music is so much more, wish i could find a better one!

  5.   i am afraid of grasshoppers. Seriously.  Spiders, snakes...no problem. But grasshoppers...EWWWWWW!!!!!!!   Once, many, many years ago, i was driving along and glanced down at my leg...there IT was..a huge grasshopper, riding along, just like he belonged there. PANIC mode ensued. i finally found a place to pull off the road and got a magazine go "Flick" him off, out the open door. It remended me of the scene from the "Brady Bunch", when they go to Hawaii and "Peter" wakes up to find a triantula on his chest. Yeah. Kinda like that.Ha, ha...more Doctors!    Sorry, video is out of place...

           Thanks, Loves!

The Versatile Blogger Award....With No Pretty Picture...Part One

         1. Thank the person who loved you enough to bestow this gift.
         2. Share seven things about yourself.
         3. Bestow this honor on to 10 newly discovered or followed Bloggers-in no particular order-who are fantastic in some way.
         4. Drop by and let your ten new friends know your admiration.

         Thank you darling Mich and Lottie for this Award!


         1.  i am obsessed with Medicine. (Really???). i am not sure when this interest began, however, it seems like it was about 15 years ago, when i started following Medical School amd Medical Blogs and reading just about any Doctor-Patient books i could get my hands on. i have been interested in Health related careers since i can remember, but this obsesion is more recent and of course leads me to think "Why did i have to go crazy when i was 18 and why couldn't i have been really, really smart???".  Well, destiny stepped in, i guess.

  Okay, i know Med School isn't all fun and games, but i thought these were funny!

       2.   i had a "Brush with Greatness" one time.     When we lived in Connecticut, hubby worked at the Mark Twain House in Hartford (gorgeous!).   He called me one afternoon and said "The Boss is here, you might want to come down here. You could get to see him".  Of course, i didn't get it at all, at first. So his boss was there...so what.  "No!  The Boss- Bruce Springsteen!"  Doh!  She f i n a l l y gets it!  i zip down to The House, (we lived in West Hartford), and sure enough, The Boss was taking a tour of the House, along with his lovely wife.   After the tour, he was gracious enough to pose on the porch with some of his adoring fans. (No, Hubby was not among them.)  i stood right behing him!  Close enough to touch him...of course i didn't.   Sigh. He was really sweet.   Hubby said "He was really short".  i am not even sure i said anything to him, i was sooo starstruck!   i have the photographic proof, which i treasure. It's from a computer, so it's a bit fuzzy, but that's okay!   By the way, i have officially adopted West Hartford as "my Hometown".

 3.   i LOVE bats.  In fact, there is one hanging out front, by the door, as i write. And yes, i realize it is March.   That is his permanet home.  He fell down a while back and i finally get him back home,.  Feels much better now.   i have a collection of bats, mostly stuffies, unfortunately, no place to display them, so they are in a bag. So very wrong!    This will be remedied!!  When we go with my parents to their home in St. George, very Sourthen Utah, the bats come out at twilight and it is soooo cool, i love it.  My niece, Diana, got to see 750, 000 bats fly out from under a bridge on a boat trip on a river in Texas where she lives...WOW!

                   

        Okay, i am worn out!

             However, i hereby nominate:
                      Shauna
                      Diana
                      Koala
                      M
                      Layla
                      Emry
                      Mia
                      sarainisrael

                              i don't know 10 people who haven' done it!

                                         Love you!       
   PS i must REALLY love bats, as you get TWO videos of a bat!                             

Yes, You Do Know Her.....

      Last post so serious...time for some humor.  Now, if only i knw what she was singing!

            i should go do something useful......

                xoxoxo,
                     tracy

Well, No One Ever "Accused" me of Being Cheery...A Book Review...Surprise!

    This video may be kind of hard for some of you to watch...however the book, "Autobiography of an Execution" is so very important. It is excellent, it really touched my heart and i learned so much about so called "justice".

         

          Thanks for watching,

                      Love, tracy

A Preview of Sorts....And i Can't Figure Out How to Bring the Award Over....

   i will do the award...meanwhile...this is cute.

           Love you!

...and That Water Thingy in the Background is Cool

      i just finished this book a while back. It is sooo good, just amazing. Highly recomened!   i am so sad it's over, i feel like i have lost some "friends".  yes, i am crazy. (Thanks ever so much to Saradoc for telling me about it!).

       Welcome new followers, you make me feel so happy!

Just Put Me "Six Feet Under"

    i love this video and song. Best series ever!

     i feel pretty breakable these days.  And FAT. Super fat. GAINED weight. i cannot go to Utah in May like this...i WILL not.  Must lose at least 10 pounds. If i write it here, it must happen...right, right? 

    i am broken.

            xoxoxo,
                tracy

"......and I've Been Funnier Than Cool With The Lines..."

  Me:   i got some new eyedrops. Be careful though. They have menthol in them They give this realy COOL feeling at first.  Then your nose kind of hurts a little....

 Hubby:  Are you sure they're eyedrops?

      Leading me to believe he thinks maybe i am putting nosedrops or something else in my eyes......

                   Loves,
                       tracy

                                                               *this product brought to you by the adorable Mich  :)

You're not in Med Skool anymore.....

     This scene ....well, it's just funny........What's wrong with what the Physican is wearing...?


          So....trying to be positive....there are some (many!) trees here with gorgeous white blossoms...the daffodils are blooming....yesterday, it was almost hot...for me, anyway.

         Hubby is still down...and it seems true...we can't win...in the money dept, job area, even the dogs have conspired against us...(i won't go into the messy details).  i wish just once, something would go right.  i know, i am being whiney and actually, we are fortunate in many wasy...it's just hard to see it sometimes, when so much seems to be falling in our laps that is utter c@ap.  My folks...my folks, well it just makes me soooo sad. They both are in seriously bad health and need help sooo badly -but i need to be here, for now, to chauffer Sam.    Ugh, sorry. i'm depressing myself even more......

           Thank you, new followers....i will try to write something worthy of you, sometime.

                   xoxoxo,
                      tracy

Ping Pong, Ping Pong!!

    Okay, so, this was the clip i ment to put up!

Pass the Lighter...or the Ping Pong Paddle

     Thank you all for the lovely comments.  You make me feel so good!   :)

     So, today is Match Day.  i don't know when it was that i first got so fascinated with it, but here we are. Maybe it is just another reminder that i somehow missed my call and if only, if only i hadn't gone crazy and were smart, i c o u l d  have been a Doctor. Yeah, right.  So, the beautiful Sara is Matching today.  Hope you get the Match of your dreams, dear Sara.  Oh, yes, what is the Match?  Sara sent me the most hilarious cartoon, wish i knew how to post it...However, Match Day is when all the Fourth Year Medical Students find out where they will be doing their Residencies. It is a huge deal, i imagine. Anyway......

   Did anyone ever watch this show. It is soooo funny. i loved it. i so wish it would come out on DVD.

   Today is also Sam's half Birthday!   Well, not exactly half, but because his middle name is Patrick and we chose the name after our dear friend, Father Patrick...well, St. Partick's Day!

            xoxoxoxo.
                  tracy
                            

The Numbers........

   119.6     FAT   i don't think i will post these unless my weight gets remarkably better. Annnnnd, i know that means a major lifestyle change.  Am i up for that?   Help.  Please.

So Then i Thought.....

      i really need to lose a bunch of weight.       Here are my goals.   115, 110, 105.......    i am 5'5.5" tall, i measured myself at the Dr. Appointment. In my old age, i have lost 1/2 an inch, but i already suspected that...BOO!!! What is my current weight?   Not ready to reveal that yet.  Plus, due to my weird eating habits, it bounces all around, everywhere. MUST GET CONTROL!!!!!!!!!

  Each morning, i wake up in full panic mode. i want to stay in bed and can this week, as Sam is on break, however, that does not help the panic...so i get up, take a pill and go back to bed, and wait for the panic to gradually diminish.  And wait. And wait.   Then, depending on what weird or horrible dreams i have been having, i either stay a while or head for the tread...such a poet...

          And now, hubby is home and i must say....Shalom!

i Wish i Knew What To Say.....

      i know, this blog is becoming one big video show.  But the more i think about it, the funnier this episode gets...except for the emo moments, of course.

     There is so much i want to say...i just can't seem to put it in words.  If anyone has any suggestions, ways to help me get started...i'd really apprecite the help.

                  Thanks.

Because i Love Them So

"Landslide Part Deux"

    The Mirrored Image......no obsession here....   ; )  A sensitive, emotional "Santana".....one of the reasons i love it so...besides loving the song.

Up and Down...One gone....

     Yesterday, i "officially weighed TEN ugly, horrible, disgusting pounds more than my low from last summer. It was just awful, the worst feeling, you know? FATTY, McFatso!  Thankfully, this morning i lost a couple, not without "help".  i keep thinking i should post my height and weight, maybe that would  do something about my lack of discipline...help keep me in line...who knows.......but the way "it" bounces around lately.....i dunno.

  Now i come here and my sweet "Glee" vid has beem removed...Grrrrrr.   i wonder how many other vids will dissapear along the way...yes, abandonment issues....in many forms...even videos.  SIGH.

            Well, anyway, hope you all are having a good weekend,
                      xoxo, tracy

"Landslide"

    Because this was just...so...touching.  Sorry for the poor quality!

And then...She wrote.....

    So much to say...and it's all unorganized...
             i feel so bad for husband who is so terribly upset  over things at work, our $ situation, lack of sleep, feeling sick all the time, depression, somehow believes he's "lost his family"...(yep, i don't really understand that last one and it breaks my heart)...i just don't know what to do for him....And i hate this helpless feeling, everyday, his sadness...i am so worried about him.

   i am sooo fat. FAT.   i restrict all day, then, it's, well, all Hell breaks loose.  i know what i'm doing wrong, so what is wrong with me?  Why can't i just stop?  And, i am just so ugly. Seriously. Yuck i am not just saying that so someone might say something nice. It is the TRUTH.

        Well, ...'i guess i've said enough, ive said too much..."

                         Love you all  Sorry i am such a DOWNER.  xoxoxo

i will write something...sometime....

       i guess i'm trying to cheer myself up...

            Hope you like these  :)

Hili Yalon!

      So much i want to say, but can't find the words.  Welcome new followers, thank you so much for being here. i will find a way to follow your blogs too!

                  Much Love

"Courage"

    'Cause i'm feeling sad and extra scared these days. i need this...and hope you enjoy it.

                  xoxoxo